I was about fourteen when I first decided to end my life.
Unbeknownst to my parents, I began dating a guy for a few days and was happy to have a close guy friend. For reasons I will reveal later, I will call him “Ced”.
The forbidden relationship made me feel superior!
The mere thought of him would make my heart race rapid and my stomach danced simultaneously. At the time, I just knew it was the kind of love most hoped would last forever. I was excited and in love. So I thought.
One day, I was in gym class playing with classmates and friends. Then nature called, I had to use the restroom, so I proceeded to ask the teacher for permission. After gaining access, I headed straight towards the girl’s locker room.
While I was in the restroom, I could still hear friends shouting, music playing, and balls bouncing against the hard wooden court. I remember thinking no can hear me; it’s practically sound proof in here. Bam! Ironically, my thoughts were interrupted by a hard thud against the bathroom stall. I jumped back from being frighten by the noise.
Immediately, I finished using the bathroom, flushed the toilet, opened the door, and walked out the stall. To my surprise, it was Ced. I was relieved because I felt he was trying to play a trick on me and thought it was cute.
I remember our small conversation going something like:
Me: “Why are you in the girl’s locker room?” Ced: “I wanted to be alone with you.” Me: So, you are a girl now?” Ced: No, I just want to be with you.
Next, he kissed me and I kissed him back. I thought I was so cool to finally kiss a guy!
Then, Ced started to really kiss me and grab me in places where no one should. I remember pushing him hard against the wall and saying, “What the ___ are you doing? Don’t touch me like that!” Consequently, that only made him become angry. He yanked me by my arm and pushed me back in the bathroom stall. We fought for what seemed like forever. All the while I didn’t realize he had pulled down my shorts. I was in shock and didn’t understand why he kept trying to penetrate me!
Eventually, he stopped trying and left. What hurt the most was before he left he called me a hoe and said I was ugly.
I felt so small.
I didn’t return to gym class and decided to skip until the last hour. I didn’t tell any teachers or friends. I acted as if nothing ever happen.
Later that day, I rode the bus home from school and made the ultimate decision that I would end my life. By the grace of God, I failed, but it wasn’t the last time I tried.
Ten times. I’ve tried to end my life at least ten times. Pills, cutting, crazy car rides, jumping, guns were crafted as a way to end it all. Some were even attempted and others I couldn’t gain the courage to actually go through with it.
As a way to cope, I found myself lying about random things happening to me to receive attention. Year after year, I found myself growing deep in a pit and damaged a lot of relationships.
But, that’s not the end of my story! Stay tuned every Wednesday to be Empowered. In the mean time…
Hurting others will not heal us. Asking God to show how us the way we should move forward in love will bring healing. Every day, we learn and grow into who we are suppose to be.
Seeking guidance from the one who knows our future is the best solution. And I am confident He’s pretty great at doing His job! 😀
If you are reading and battle suicidal thoughts, I strongly advise you to read Jeremiah 29:11. God loves you so much, He has a divine plan just for you!
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