Imagine every thing you ever feared would happen, happened.
Now, imagine the only thing you could do in response is grow and continue on with life.
Some would say that’s the sum of life, it’s not fair. Simply put that has been my truth for the past two weeks.
At first, I allowed anger to fill my heart.
When I was faced with the unthinkable, my heart felt as if a huge chunk was taken from its core. The hurt I felt was simply different. Every part of me was filled with confusion which eventually led to anger.
I didn’t understand why was God allowing me to experience this pain. I prayed and fasted regularly. I no longer desired things that weren’t not of Him. Most importantly, I grew a deeper interest in reading the Bible to understand who He is and His unconditional love for me.
Not that those practices would eliminate all attacks from me. He promised that I would have certain blessings. Yet, in that very moment, I felt Him take the one He knew I desired the most. I didn’t understand what He was planning, but I knew for sure I didn’t like it one bit.
Am I good enough for this life?
Often, I thought my insecurities to be true to make sense of being in the unpredictable circumstance. There had to be something I missed or did wrong.
I continuously asked Him, “Is there something I’m missing?”. Every time He replied, “Do you trust me?”
Next, I questioned if I should continue in certain responsibilities. It’s been roughly a year since I grew a passion to lead others, but how could I continue leading if my mind wasn’t fully focused.
I came up with a solution. I decided I would inform those who dependent on my leadership that I could no longer lead them. I felt I would be robbing them if I wasn’t at my best. I wasn’t aware how exactly I would tell them. I just knew it had to be done.
On the morning for me to share the news, God told me to read 2 Timothy. Here’s the scripture that changed the paradigm:
“So I am willing to endure anything if it will bring salvation and eternal glory in Christ Jesus to those God has chosen.”
2 Timothy 2:10 NLT
Instantly, He reminded me of a suppressed pattern I had: leaving. I began to cry because I knew I had to change my decision. I made the choice to not run this time and continue growing through this journey because I believe it will help others to learn the truth behind surrender.
Isn’t it interesting the way scriptures can convict us?
I’ve learned to seek wisdom.
I decided to open up about the pain I am experiencing to those who I lead. To my surprise, they prayed with me, sacrifice time to hang out, and randomly send words of encouragement throughout my day.
Many times, they’ve expressed admiration of my strength; it inspires them.
Likewise, I gained another community that spiritually fills me. It’s a diverse group of women where we intentionally pray for one another in faith and seeking God in all we do.
I’m learning the only way true healing can come is through God and the faith of others.
If I said every thing I originally felt is gone I wouldn’t be telling the truth. Every morning, I wake up not knowing when or where my hurt will come to a halt.
Though I’m enduring every pull uncomfortably, I know I’m getting closer to the things God has planned for me.
I truly believe greater is coming.
When we totally surrender to God, it’s not the most enjoyable experience. There will be moments of confusion, anger, and feelings of inadequacy.
By surrendering everything we have to God, He will be there every step of the way.
Asking God to bring joy helps! Don’t think it’s strange if a Kirk Franklin song starts playing on your Bruno Mars station!
Find people who will hold you accountable.
Being uncomfortable isn’t pleasant, having others to pray with you strengthens you.
The thing is we are not simply put in uncomfortable situations. We are there to stretch our faith and learn to fully depend on God.
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