My abandonment story began for me at the young age of four years old. In 1990, I recall an incident of being bullied and emotionally abused, which required me to go stay with a cousin.
It’s interesting how I can still recall every detail of that very moment! During the incident, I was told that my stepfather wasn’t my biological father. I was made to feel unwanted and not enough.
Some would think, that would do nothing to a four-year-old, but at that moment I discovered my strength and how to hide my pain.
I was heartbroken.
I felt betrayed (as if I knew what it was at four years old). At that moment, the moment I should have been protected from, my insecurities developed.
My anger became aggressive. After the incident, I was shipped away, for years, to multiple family members.
I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong. Why wasn’t I enough?
See my mom and stepdad were expecting my little sister. So, at that point, my little mind felt like I was no longer needed.
I felt that pain for thirty- two years before I sought healing. I internalized that pain so much and for so long it affected every decision I made in my life, professionally and personally.
It affected how I viewed myself. The seed was planted and it grew into an oak tree.
I wanted to prove my worth to everyone, (rather professional or personal) that rejected me. My life was a nonstop battle, that I was not enjoying.
Every day I rose to wonder why I was here.
Was it for the baby (who’s the father I wasn’t enough for)?
Was it because God was torturing me?
I later started looking at living and my trials as my karma. As if I deserved to be mistreated. I looked at everyday like what’s next.
I had become complacent with my abandonment, pain, abuse, and anger.
I just took it.
I didn’t have standards nor did I hold others accountable for mistreating me. I would do anything to please those around me and never cared about pleasing myself.
Well, until my mother and I got into the biggest argument. Some hurtful things were said, but she said something that hurt so badly. It was exactly what I needed!
She said, “Yup, you were pawn off and you’re always going to be pawned off.” It hurt, it pierced the depths of my soul. It also triggered me to change that.
So, no one could ever feel like they were able to pawn me off or choose me as an option. That was my mistake, I had allowed for years others to mistreat me, to choose me as an option based on their convenience.
I had mistreated myself.
Have you ever made a mistake you wanted to prove your worth out of, but the world wouldn’t let you? Less your subconscious wouldn’t?
The mistakes that you thought would make someone stay. The mistakes that make someone want you.
See, my mistakes were pleasing people, allowing them to treat me in a way I wasn’t deserving of and mistreating myself.
(Public service announcement, if you have to prove your worth, they aren’t worthy!)
However, my body and mind still knew the sickness of abandonment. The world is evil, but I had all this hope that things will change.
They will love or at least like me. They will see my worth. I had to find my own way and not lose the little confidence, I did have.
I can’t change who I am, nor should anyone want me to. I had to move forward, make myself essential, and not be discouraged.
My whole life I was looking for a right now fix, something like a fix a flat. However, there isn’t a right now fix, the only fix is pushing forward while being patient with God, the world and myself.
I had to do something I had never done. I had to trust the process. When I was disobedient, I began to wander away from the process.
I had to be honest with myself and be who I wanted to be, who I wanted people to receive because the right now is what determines what I enter into tomorrow.
It’s a struggle to not go back to people-pleasing, to not go back in the comfort of pain. To make the excuse that I’m broken.
I had to repair myself. I had to trust another human being to help repair.
If I mess up at this moment I don’t get access to the promise of healing, because I am not entitled to access due to yesterday’s miracle.
The work I did yesterday doesn’t entitle me to the promise. I had to keep working.
The promise has a problem attached to it and if I wanted the promise I had to work through my problems and pain.
I had to learn that I can have the self-esteem and confidence I wanted but I had to work for it!
Guest Blogger: Carly Lankford
Carly Lankford is a poet, writer, and author of a new children’s book “Just Me and My Ears” set time be released in early 2020. With over a decade writing poems and short stories, Carly has a very unique voice that shines through in her upcoming projects about the importance of self-healing and childhood bullying.
Carly has completed numerous writing courses and Regent & Charleston Southern Universities. Carly has been a lifelong writer and began writing in published bodies of work in third grade.
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