“You’re cute for a big girl.”
“You dress nice for a big girl.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard these backhanded compliments my bank account would be lovely!
I never really understood how anyone deeply felt this was a compliment.
Like really, just because I’m not skinny I couldn’t possibly be beautiful or dress well?
But, I’ve heard these comments too many times that I care to admit and for a long time it played into my insecurities…
The same insecurities I buried deep within my soul; so deep that sometimes I believed they didn’t exist!!!
Most of my life I was thick.
Mom did an amazing job purchasing me the cutest clothes in my size, but that didn’t stop me from being picked last for the kickball team or being called names in elementary school.
But, by the time I hit middle and well into high school my perspective change; especially when I was introduced to the late Dr. Maya Angelou’s poem Phenomenal Woman.
“Pretty woman wonder where my secret lies. I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size…it’s in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips, the stride of my steps, the curl of my lips. I am a woman phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman that’s me.”
I remember quoting that poem after I prayed every morning.
The poem helped me battle the demons inside that told me I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t pretty enough…
Nobody wanted a big girl, and that I wasn’t nobody and would never become anything.
There were not too many people who knew I struggle with insecurities because of my demeanor.
I dress very well, I always smell good because you know the myth, all big girls smelled bad….
So not true!!!
Always maintained my hair and nails; I always smiled and joked around…
Yes, you were definitely going to laugh along as you were around me!
I was always that person you could come talk to for inspiration and advice.
Check on your strong friends because they need some encouragement too!!!
There was a dark moment in my life where the voices got the best of me and I tried to take my life by attempting to overdose on pills…thank God for my failed attempt!!!
It was during this time that I was reintroduced￼￼￼￼￼￼ to Psalms 139:13-14.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
I had to be reminded that my heavenly father created me!
Not only did he create me, but he created me in his own image… This unique blessed being imperfect and all!!!
￼ It was this pivotal point where there was a shift in my mindset.
It was then I begin to understand that I am worthy… I am beautiful… I am blessed as well as favored!!!
The reflection in the mirror spoke to me differently with reassurance that I am a child of God…created by his loving hands and he doesn’t make anything less than the best and I am his creation!!!
It’s easy to fall into a space where you question yourself; especially when you compare yourself to others.
From pictures in a magazine or on Instagram, post on social media or simply comparing yourself to siblings, relatives, friends and coworkers.
But if ever you have to be reminded, Psalms 139:13-14 is the perfect place to start.
Whenever I get caught up I go back to God’s word.
I remind myself that I am imperfectly perfect… I may be flawed but I am blessed!
I’m loving the space I’m in but more so, I am loving Brianna and loving the skin I’m in!
It doesn’t matter how long it took me to get here… I thank God I made it!!!
You are beautifully, fearfully and wonderfully made.
And you are worthy of it all!!!
Let your light shine…because that’s exactly what I’m going to do!!!￼￼￼￼
Writer: Brianna Screen
Brianna D. Screen Full-Time Administrative Assistant
Blogger, Amazing N’Spired 2BU (revamping)
Former Editor-In-Chief of Bold Favor Magazine
Former “Ask Bri” Columnist For Bold Favor Magazine
Editor, Leading Through Living Community
Founder of the “Forever My Sissy’s Keeper” Movement
Founder of SheKeeps Keepsakes & Favors￼